Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Each pound a pound of flesh
I am down nearly ten pounds since this time last month.
It happened pretty quickly, actually, coinciding with a family member's release from the hospital (into my care) as well as the quickly intensifying chaos of my life. Again, and to reiterate, when I feel my life circumstances spinning out of control (i.e., I cannot make it better for my loved one, I cannot stop the inevitable change barreling toward my head) I take it out on my body. And it's not really "taking it out" so much as it is "taking control." My body becomes one of the only things I can control, and this in the form of what I put into my mouth (or do not), how much I move (or do not) or how often I nourish myself.
It's a delicate and ugly dance. Overriding logic forces me to make good choices when I concede to make choices at all. Good choices usually involve lots of vegetables, some fruit and a few lean proteins. It's just that there aren't a lot of them. Choices, that is. Eating, in particular.
I lost five pounds on raw, when I tried it. Since then I've incorporated the raw idea into my meal plans but have not focused on raw so much as whole foods. Good foods. Yet I did lose five pounds eating raw, even when I was stuffing myself with all that good food. And so even eating in that way (something I perceive as quite good for myself), I couldn't keep my weight steady or on. Add stress to that and here I am, I suppose, ten pounds down.
I think ultimately the structure and stricture of eating raw is very, very good for me, because it mimics the control exercised vis-a-vis my eating disorder while still nourishing my body. Having said that, I would give much in order to not need to control anything. To accept life as it is and myself as I am.
That is the work, I guess.
For more information on the truth about eating disorders, please read this article by Carolyn Friedman. I've read through it myself, and while I'd potentially put more emphasis on the media playing a pivotal role in the exacerbation of these diseases, I found it to be extremely insightful and helpful.
It happened pretty quickly, actually, coinciding with a family member's release from the hospital (into my care) as well as the quickly intensifying chaos of my life. Again, and to reiterate, when I feel my life circumstances spinning out of control (i.e., I cannot make it better for my loved one, I cannot stop the inevitable change barreling toward my head) I take it out on my body. And it's not really "taking it out" so much as it is "taking control." My body becomes one of the only things I can control, and this in the form of what I put into my mouth (or do not), how much I move (or do not) or how often I nourish myself.
It's a delicate and ugly dance. Overriding logic forces me to make good choices when I concede to make choices at all. Good choices usually involve lots of vegetables, some fruit and a few lean proteins. It's just that there aren't a lot of them. Choices, that is. Eating, in particular.
I lost five pounds on raw, when I tried it. Since then I've incorporated the raw idea into my meal plans but have not focused on raw so much as whole foods. Good foods. Yet I did lose five pounds eating raw, even when I was stuffing myself with all that good food. And so even eating in that way (something I perceive as quite good for myself), I couldn't keep my weight steady or on. Add stress to that and here I am, I suppose, ten pounds down.
I think ultimately the structure and stricture of eating raw is very, very good for me, because it mimics the control exercised vis-a-vis my eating disorder while still nourishing my body. Having said that, I would give much in order to not need to control anything. To accept life as it is and myself as I am.
That is the work, I guess.
For more information on the truth about eating disorders, please read this article by Carolyn Friedman. I've read through it myself, and while I'd potentially put more emphasis on the media playing a pivotal role in the exacerbation of these diseases, I found it to be extremely insightful and helpful.
Labels: eating disorder, eating raw, lose weight, nutrition, raw, self-worth, stress, weight loss
posted by Crys at 7:19 AM
7 Comments:
"I would give much in order to not need to control anything. To accept life as it is and myself as I am."
Why do you think that is so hard to do?
It's definitely within your reach.
Mind over matter
i feel like i go through bouts of it, which is to say confidence --- but i think the patterns are deeply ingrained. and they're more patterns than actual bad thoughts in my head ... the patterns exist from my childhood and while i think i've resolved all of those issues, my brain is still mapped a certain way. i think the key is to sustain the confidence and healthful way of life for a period of time --- creating new patterns or pathways.
but what the bleep do i know?
but i think the patterns are deeply ingrained. and they're more patterns than actual bad thoughts in my head ... the patterns exist from my childhood and while i think i've resolved all of those issues, my brain is still mapped a certain way
Good God, I actually understand ALL of that! I think everyone struggles with related issues at some point during their lives.
I believe the conflict revolves around our physche trying to unmap those ancient mapped circuits so that our reasoning can be aligned with our inner wills. It's a very fine line for me sometimes.
Well, this isn't good.
The irony lies therein that you lose control of your need for control. Maybe you could find a mental detour with this reasoning?
cj -- yes, it's a fine line for me too. it's like the spirit is strong but the flesh is weak.
creature -- yeah, not so good. i mean, i just need to self correct and yes, i do think making a concerted effort to find mental affirmations or even loopholes would be something good for me.
I have no idea how uneducated this is because I never read up on raw, but I'm terrified of my increase of exposure to diseases when eating raw. It's so easy for raw foods to have, say, salmonella on them from another source. What do you do about that?
Sorry life is in chaos, happy you have a healthy way to control your vessel. :)
poppy, this is a good article:
http://nutrition.about.com/od/ahealthykitchen/a/washveggies.htm
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